Mission Maid

We are familiar with the word ‘mission’. When it comes to a woman’s life, she faces different missions daily. One of which is – Mission Maid. This mission is usually a part of a married woman’s life, mission to keep a maid at home so that she can reduce her burden of handling office and household chores.

To those who have not faced it, won’t feel it as a mission because it’s such a petty thing to do. Like, if you are too overburdened with the work and want to keep a maid, you search for one and keep. But let me tell all those pure hearts who felt like that, it’s not so simple as it sounds.

After writing my last blog ‘Responsibilities and Help’, some of my friends messaged me that I missed out on the simplest solution which is keeping a maid so that household responsibilities would be reduced and can have some time for own selves. But the reality is, I didn’t miss it, I skipped it purposely because that’s something I wanted to write about separately.

When a girl gets married, she is being told that her husband’s home is her home too from now onwards. She should have the same affection towards this new home as she had in her parent’s home. So basically, the deal is she must give the same amount of love she gave at her parent’s house and a lot of efforts, but in return she is going to get a changed lifestyle. A lifestyle in which she may be comfortable or not doesn’t matter.

A girl who has been raised like a princess, whose parents have made her believe that she can live her life on her own terms, who always concentrated on her career, never really needed to do any household chores, gets married and suddenly the picture changes for her. She has to cook, she has to do all the household chores, her husband is not willing to accept his share of household responsibilities, she has to concentrate on her career. She is financially independent enough that she can afford a domestic help and make her life a bit easy-going ,without stressing anyone. But she can’t do so because her in-laws/husband do not agree to keep a maid. So can you just imagine how helpless such a situation is?

Sadly, our society has a dozen of expectations from a girl when she gets married. She is expected to keep her career secondary in her priority list. All that she must do is adjust. Agreed that a girl has to do adjustments after marriage and that’s how it has been since ages. But what will be the extent of adjustments or who will decide the limits for them? No one has ever bothered about it. Adjustment is something done mutually, forcing a girl to follow something irrespective of her opinion is not adjustment.

If a couple cannot afford a maid financially, that’s a different situation. That’s a phase of life where we need to work hard and manage the schedule. In the case of working women, if the husband is not taking active participation in his share of work, that is completely not acceptable. Such husbands need a reality check.

If a couple is maturely sharing all the household chores and the whole burden is not on a single person or a couple is mutually hiring a domestic help considering the professional pressures, then that can be called a healthy union.

But when a girl cannot keep a maid despite that she can independently financially afford one to make her life a bit easier it becomes a mission for her. When you are at your mother’s place you are being taught to be career oriented. Some girls are used to the household work, some are not and some don’t like to do the household work. Well in our society a girl who is not interested in doing household work and who would prefer keeping a maid and a cook is not accepted with open arms. Some are liberated enough to accept it but the ratio of not accepting people will be more. 

The new family would have their own opinions showing the cons of keeping a maid and will not be in a favor of the same irrespective of what the girl’s opinions are. They would say ‘we did everything on our own during our times, these maids don’t work properly etc’. But when you bring a new member into a family it is the family member’s responsibility to give her and her opinions equal importance. It is very easy to pass judgments and opinions on things that others have to do. You want your daughter-in-law to do every household work, you help her sometimes, sometimes you don’t, sometimes you taunt her in return of your help, and above all, you are not even OK with keeping a maid. So, a question arises in mind that, are you a daughter in law or a maid rendering services free of cost? I mean, it’s just like hiring a maid, making her do all the domestic work your way just because you solely feel that’s the right way. And that’s a cost-saving way too, isn’t it? Like just the marriage expenses have to be incurred and then the tag ‘daughter-in-law’ would make it all easy and cost-friendly too.

You cannot expect a girl to do everything on her own. Women back then would have done everything, and I would respect it completely, but times have changed now. Girls have evolved now and that too for good. What they ask for is not wrong. Throughout the day the professional challenges and travelling consume an individual so much that there’s no energy left when we return home.

In some families, there’s havoc when a topic of keeping a maid arises. No matter what a girl goes through, no matter she is happy or not, or she is drained physically and mentally, she has to do all the household work on her own. And the most shocking thing is that a girl is expected to accept such a place as her home where she has to do things she is not willing to do.

Well, some families come up with the filthiest solution for such problems. That a girl should leave her job. So, a girl should give up on her career but her in-laws will not leave their ego. An educated girl should leave a job instead of hiring a house help and become one instead.
And the girls who are not asked to leave their jobs have to deal with both professional and domestic pressures.

And then some husbands say “I don’t want to hurt my parents, They are old now so they can’t do the household work, My mother did everything on her own so I can’t argue with them for keeping a maid, hence you too have to do the same” and all those emotional dialogues which according to me are useless. I just feel a man should get a clarity of what is he looking for – A wife, maid or cook. Because all three are different from each other. A man feels that he will bring a wife who will do all the household chores and his mother can rest. But hey, you may mess up a girl’s life with this conservative and narrow thought. Not every girl is okay with doing the household chores.

Taking care of responsibilities is different and making her forcefully do things she is not interested in and not letting her get a house help is completely intolerable. In such cases, men should tell their would-be wives that they are not only looking for a wife who will be their partner for life, but they are looking for a 3 in 1 personality. A wife, a cook, a maid. Actually, the count of 3 can also increase but sticking to the topic let’s consider it 3.

As I said earlier, marriage is about adjustments. But the girl is not the only one who is supposed to do it. Adjustments should also be done by in-laws and husband too . In-laws should understand that they should give space to the couple. Let them take their decisions and shape their life the way they want. In-laws can definitely guide them but not interfere in their life, let the couple make mistakes. Making mistakes will make them learn what to do and what not to do. And most importantly if their son is trying to explain them something they should try to understand it rather than fussing around that the wife has changed their son or saying ‘you are not matured enough to take decisions’. If your son was not matured enough why did you let him get married? And the one’s who do not want their son to do the household chores and also to keep a maid accept it that you wanted a maid and not a daughter in laws.

Husbands should understand that the girl is your wife and not a person brought for only doing adjustments or sacrifices for your family. In fact, boys should get married only if they are capable to support the right thing and take a stand for their wife wherever and whenever necessary. Or else be a fabulously single mamma’s boy. And dear husbands, parent’s may also go wrong and making them understand that or supporting your wife does not mean disrespecting them.

Girls also do understand their share of responsibilities, but what is wrong if a girl says that she can’t take the domestic responsibilities. We can understand that the in laws too aren’t able to as it’s their time to sit back and relax. So, let’s keep domestic help so that everyone will be in their own comfort zones. Now saying no to these clearly means you want your daughter-in-law / wife to be your slave.

Sadly, I do not understand this process of thinking about not keeping a maid. Like, let the person who practically does the job let decide what to do. How can a girl be forced to accept someone else’s decisions forcefully? Girl’s basic responsibilities are not limited to only handling household chores. She can also choose her career as her priority. You cannot expect a girl to make her motive to serve your family because she has an existence as an individual too. Her parents have not made her independent to get married and become a puppet.

To all the in-laws who have such thoughts should understand that they should let their daughters-in-law live their life on their own terms. You cannot impose your thoughts on others forcefully. And all the husbands out there, if you are incapable of handling your own share of responsibilities you better not interfere with the decisions of your wife’s who has to handle it single-handedly.

It’s high time now that society has to understand that it is okay if a girl is not into cooking or household work or she does not like to do it. Her domestic work abilities cannot be a parameter for judging her character. Keeping career as a priority is not selfishness. Everyone has a different life journey, opinion and principle. Forcing a daughter-in-law or a wife to follow what you want is completely unfair and unacceptable. She is a human with brains and not a robot designed to serve you.

Life is too complicated and so is this topic. There may be many aspects of such scenarios, but what I wanted to convey is the basic message that it’s difficult for a girl to manage both professional and personal lives. If in-laws want to have a peaceful and retired life like ‘Aram ki Zindagi’ what we call, it’s not wrong to have one at a certain age, but then have it completely. Let you daughter-in-law handle the rest things her way. And dearest husband, you have no idea what it is to handle the pressures daily. Because you don’t have to sail a ship full of expectations. So just do what you are good at sitting back and relaxing. If your wife can afford a house-help let her, because you are incapable of the same.

On the other hand, there are families where the daughters-in-law are given equal importance. They are not treated like just a replacement of a maid. There are husbands and in-laws sharing equal responsibilities. In-laws change their lifestyles for their daughter-in-law.

There are some homes where keeping a maid is not a mission just a decision taken mutually respecting each member of the family. I hope the majority of such happy places increase.